How to Change Your Genetic Programming in Relationships

01 Feb How to Change Your Genetic Programming in Relationships

Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

It is important to recognize that being in a personal relationship with another is one of the greatest gifts we have available to us in learning how to love and be loved.  Knowing HOW to be in a relationship is dependent upon our lifetime’s worth of BS we have accepted about having a relationship.  In this case, the BS stands for belief systems!

One of the first tools I use in working with a couple is to have them individually complete a fill-in-the-blank questionnaire detailing their relationship beliefs.  The topics are never usually discussed between a couple, but even if they are there is little recognition given to the ingrained habits we form in a relationship based on them.

Complete this questionnaire separately with your significant other and then compare your responses.  Is there a difference in how you were raised (genetically programmed)?  Do you still have the same beliefs?  Can you see where you might have been operating using someone else’s idea of what makes a relationship versus what your own intuitive sense tells you?  Talk about the differences and rethink how you want your relationship to work.  Be willing to change and your life will never be the same! The form is as follows:

                                                 Relationship Beliefs

1. Growing up, I always thought my family was_____________________________.
2. When I asked my Father/Mother about sex_______________________________.
3. If you asked my Father about money, he would___________________________.
4. In my family, love was expressed by___________________________________.
5. The worst argument my parents had was ________________________________.
6. The happiest I ever saw my Father was when ____________________________.
7. The happiest I ever saw my Mother was when ___________________________.
8. The best advice my Father ever gave me was ____________________________.
9. The best advice my Mother ever gave me was ___________________________.
10. When my Father got angry, he would always ____________________________.
11. When my Mother got angry, she would always ___________________________.
12. One thing I would like to ask my Father is _______________________________.
13. One thing I would like to ask my Mother is ______________________________.
14. My family always seemed to struggle with ______________________________.
15. My siblings always treated me________________________________________.
16. My favorite family member was______________________________________.
17. My grandmother used to tell me_______________________________________.
18. My grandfather taught me____________________________________________.
19. My parents’ sex life was _____________________________________________.
20. My Mother/Father taught me to believe that I was_________________________.
21. I used to dream that marriage would make me____________________________.
22. The best relationship I ever had as a child was with________________________.
23. My best friend growing up was________________________________________.
24. My parents lived like they were________________________________________.
25. My parents thought going to church was_________________________________.
26. My Mother always wanted me to become________________________________.
27. My Father always wanted me to become_________________________________.
28. My parents thought my greatest accomplishment was_______________________.
29. Growing up, I always thought I would be_________________________________.
30. I always thought marriage was_________________________________________.

The following words can be used to describe my Father and Mother:

(check all that apply)

M   F 

_    _   Kind

_    _   Loving

_    _  Trusting

_    _  Manipulative

_   _   Generous

_   _   Spiritual

_   _   Angry

_   _   Quiet

_   _   Talkative

_   _   Powerful

_   _    Drug dependent

M  F

_   _   Faithful

_   _   Powerless

_    _  Abusive

_    _   Explosive

_   _   Outgoing

_   _   Tolerant

_   _   Stubborn

_   _   Sexy

_   _   Nurturing

_   _   Caring

_   _   Alcoholic

M  F

_   _   Negative

_   _   Distrustful

_   _   Protective

_   _   Religious

_   _   Honest

_   _   Overly Protective

_   _   Judgmental

_   _   Emotionally Distant

_   _   Obsessive

_   _   Unavailable

_   _   Good role model

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